Thank you all for coming to the public consultations of the Commission on High-na-high Education regarding the revised-revised General Education curriculum. As this is a very urgent matter, the Commission released the memo for consultations also in a very urgent manner—about five minutes ago. Buti nakapunta kayo, Lunes na Lunes pa man din ano, everyone is so busy, not as busy as us, pero I’m sure busy din kayo. That is so, how do you say that, masigasig. Congratulations, and welcome. For those who still do not know me, alam n’yo naman tayo, bihirang makita, parang kamag-anak lang ni Charlie sa Charlie’s Angels, I am the Angel of the Commission, Yours truly, Dr. Patisiya Ligwakan.

Our beloved country is undergoing many changes; of course all of this is towards a progressive global community, starting from our brothers and sisters in the ASEAN Network. Maraming nagbabago. So even in our office, we make sure that we initiate crucial and very timely changes. Like our logo. Look! As you can see, we have changed the Commission’s acronym, from “CHED” to just “CHE.” That is because during our last meeting, the Committee has decided that the “D” is just useless and redundant. It’s “Commission on High-na-high Education”—“C-H-E” is enough. You know the cost of printing that additional “D” Oh my goodness, so expensive. Also, the “CHE” as an acronym has much more impact. It’s like saying, how do you say that “Putangina ninyong lahat!” to all the negative criticisms. Always looking forward, head held up high, “CHE” to all the detractors and dementors and the demonios. CHE, that’s us.

We would like to inform you that we have microphone stands situated in various areas of our consultation hall, but only the microphone that I am using is functioning, because you know, too many people using the microphone is just so redundant. Pakilakasan na lang ang boses pag may magsasalita, but let me also tell you na kakagaling ko lang sa aking EENT because I am also suffering from an ear infection, buti nga nakapunta pa ako, nakakahiya naman kasi sa inyo e. Also, starting tomorrow, CHE will stop communicating through E-mail and all that Internet-related expensive thingamajigs. Ipapaputol na rin namin ang CHE telephone hotlines, because you know, phones are so expensive and redundant. Tomorrow, we will be employing the use of telephones made out of tin cans. Marami kasing nag-expire na relief goods na ipapadala dapat for Tacloban, dito ipinatago sa office namin, e saying naman kung mag-expire, so instead of throwing them in the trash can, why not use them? CHE is all about eliminating redundancy and promoting efficiency. Sayang naman kung itatapon lang di ba?

Speaking of tapunan, for those who would like to write comments or questions since we have a limited schedule for the consultation, you can directly place your written comments and questions inside the trash bins located at the side of the hall. Comment boxes are also redundant, pakisiguro lang po na sa may “recyclable” ninyo ilalagay ang mga papel. Mangyaring ilagay ang basura sa tamang kalagyan.

Now, to the matter at hand—the revised-revised General Education Curriculum. A few months ago, the CHE released a list of the new college general courses, and now we decided to release a new set. For those who are demanding an explanation for this quick revision, ang masasabi lang namin sa ngayon ay “CHE!” The revised-revised GE curriculum is designed to further eliminate redundancies and promote a more holistic, global, universal, intergalactic mode of individuality.

From the previous eight GE courses, CHE is now implementing a set of five new courses. We at CHE believe that these subjects are more customized and appropriate for the kind of Filipino that our government needs. (to someone offstage) Manong, pakidikit na nga yung Manila Paper ano.

Here are the Five New Courses for the Revised-revised GE Curriculum:

Number 1: Telepathic communication—because language education is so redundant, I mean, sinasalita na nga natin, bakit pa aaralin? So why not study a new and relatively unexplored mode of communication, such as communicating…via the mind! The syllabus will contain exercises like basic astral projection, predicting the future, communicating with the departed. The readings are being prepared by our top psychic mediums like Madam Auring, Madam Rosa, and my personal favorite, Miss Zenaida Seva. Tandaan, hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. May free will tayo, gamitin natin ito. Pero wag ngayon, di pa ako tapos mag-present.

Number 2: Teasing the Bangs—teasing the mind and critical faculties is just so passé. At baka sabihin din ng mga kritiko ng CHE, wala kaming sense of history. So, the Commission combined our vision of practicality with a sense of local history. At sino nga ba ang tinitingala kapag beauty ang pinag-uusapan. Of course, the mother of Beauty School Plus-plus, si Mother Ricky Reynes. In this course, ire-revive ang mga itinuturo ni Mother tungkol sa pagti-tease ng mga tinatawag nating buhok, at sa pag-spray sa tinatawag nating bangs. Tutal, may cycle naman din ang fashion, retro is becoming hip, ibalik ang mga Aquanet at Pagoda Coldwave lotion! Some of the expected outputs are—creating the perfect “before” and “after” shots, matching your hairstyle with the correct shoulder pads, makeup for the elderly…Ang Ganda ng Lola mo.

Number 3: Lumpenic Solutions, or mga Solusyon para sa Tambay—Here at CHE, we recognize the existence of the Lumpen or Tambay in our society. Sila yung mga sumisipol-sipol sa eskinita pag naglalakad tayo, o yung mga nangungupit ng cellphone or yung mga naglilinis ng sapatos na pulubi sa jeepney, oh so kadiri, oh so dirty! We also recognize that given our current education system, hindi talaga lahat ay makakatuntong sa kolehiyo or even if they manage to enter college, they won’t be able to finish or graduate, at marami sa kanila ang magiging tambay o lumpen na lang. This course addresses the said issues. Mixing gin and lapad cocktails, pickpocketing for beginners, fashion for the emerging taong grasa in you, covered po lahat. Nakikipag-coordinate din kami with animal shelters, and we are considering activities for the final examinations that integrate human to animal interaction, such as dousing stray dogs or cats in gasoline, setting them on fire and releasing the burning animals into the various squatters’ areas in the city. But all of these are just details na pwede pang pinuhin, what is important is the vision behind it.

Number 4: Videoke for Victory. Alam naman po natin na ang Pilipino ay likas na masayahin a palakanta. Natural din po sa atin ang sumali sa mga singing contest. So here is a new course that taps this very Pinoy characteristic. And, para sa mga nami-miss ang literature and writing courses, na-integrate nap o natin iyan dito. We have included in the syllabus a chapter on writing the perfect sob story for winning singing competitions, crying on cue during pre-performance interviews, nariyan na po ang lahat. Alam naman nating sa mga talent contest natin sa Pilipinas, hindi lang talent ang tinitingnan.

Number 5: Zumba for the Zombie Apocalypse. A healthy body is a body that can outrun zombies. Usong-uso po sa ating global partners ang zombie movies and TV shows. And let’s face it, it’s more likely that the Philippines will encounter a zombie holocaust kesa magkaroon tayo ng mas malaking funding para sa education. So let’s embrace this reality, enjoy the fusion of aerobics, hiphop, martial arts, salsa, merengue, and all the other variations. Basta follow the instructor’s moves! Sumayaw lang, wag isiping na habang abala ka sa pagpapapayat ay may mga taong ni walang makain kahit isang beses lang sa isang araw. Follow lang nang follow, anyway, baka in a month’s time, magbago na uli ang curriculum, sunod lang nang sunod, matuto tayong makisayaw sa tugtog.

So that is the preview of the new revised-revised GE Curriculum. Unless mag-meeting kami uli at magpropose ng changes, we should expect the new subjects to be implemented as early as next week. Opo, next week, hindi na po next semester. Well malay natin, with the recent shifts in the academic calendar, mag-shift uli at maging weekly na ang hati ng semesters. Three weeks per sem, three days a sem, who knows? Nothing is final. But in the case of this new revised-revised GE curriculum, this is more or less final.

Any questions? I think we still have, ten minutes for questions, pero that was about 9 minutes and 35 seconds ago. Now we only have about 20, no 10, 5, 3, 2, Oh sorry, wala na pong oras. Pakilagay na lang po ang written questions ninyo sa mga basurahan sa tabi. Again, in behalf of the Commission on High-na-high Education, ako po uli si Patisiya Ligwakan na nagpapasalamat…

 

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Mula ito sa isang sketch show na hindi natuloy.  Ipinapabasa bilang bahagi ng 31-day Writing Challenge.